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<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: U</title>
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<h1>U</h1>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">ubiquity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all
times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether
only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not
clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain
Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ’s body were known as
Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ’s body is
present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more
than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been
understood—not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot
be in two places at once unless he is a bird.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">ugliness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">ultimatum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.</p>

<p>Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it.</p>

<p>“O servant of the Prophet,” said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of the
Invincible Army, “how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?”</p>

<p>“Upholder of the Faith,” that dignitary replied after examining his memoranda, “they are in
numbers as the leaves of the forest!”</p>

<p>“And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?”
he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy.</p>

<p>“Uncle of the Full Moon,” was the reply, “deign to know that they are as the waves of the ocean,
the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!”</p>

<p>For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with
evidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances of war. Then, “Sons
of angels,” he said, “the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the
Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">un-American</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Wicked,
intolerable, heathenish.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">unction</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oil
consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury
relates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked English
nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and
no other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: </p>

<p>“Then I’ll be damned if I die!”</p>

<p>“My son,” said the priest, “this is what we fear.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">understanding</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by
the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by
Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">His understanding was so keen<br />
That all things which he’d felt, heard, seen,<br />
He could interpret without fail<br />
If he was in or out of jail.<br />
He wrote at Inspiration’s call<br />
Deep disquisitions on them all,<br />
Then, pent at last in an asylum,<br />
Performed the service to compile ‘em.<br />
So great a writer, all men swore,<br />
They never had not read before.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Jorrock Wormley</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Unitarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">universalist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">urbanity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New
York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “I beg your pardon,” and
it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">The owner of a powder mill<br />
Was musing on a distant hill—<br />
Something his mind foreboded—<br />
When from the cloudless sky there fell<br />
A deviled human kidney! Well,<br />
The man’s mill had exploded.<br />
His hat he lifted from his head;<br />
“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said;<br />
“I didn’t know ‘twas loaded.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Swatkin</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">usage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The First
Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and
Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an
industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">uxoriousness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
perverted affection that has strayed to one’s own wife.</p>

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